home *** CD-ROM | disk | FTP | other *** search
- Archive-name: tasteless-faq
- Last-Modified: 1994/3/3
- Time-estimate: The intro takes two minutes to read and is worthwhile. Impatient
- WWW-types can http://nyx10.cs.du.edu:8001/~jnash/alt.tasteless.html
-
- WELCOME TO ALT.TASTELESS
-
- 1. What is alt.tasteless?
-
- A newsgroup devoted to tasteless phenomena in all its forms.
- A place for people with a twisted and sick sense of humour.
- In alt.tasteless we like to get into the details: short jokes have their forum
- in alt.tasteless.jokes, we want the feel of it, the smell of it, the stench of
- it, every little rotten and puss-oozing detail. And then of course some rough
- gifs of it in alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless. You should never post gif's to
- alt.tasteless, as it might cause some news admins to kill the group at their site.
-
- Some examples of popular alt.tasteless posts:
-
- The joys of raping epileptics / the dead / pregnants / minors / small furry
- animals with big wet eyes.
-
- "The worst (scrotal/nasal/rectal) operation I've ever had".
-
- The joys of vomiting / farting / pissing / shitting / picking your nose /
- masturbating / menses / giving birth to children / sweating / slobbering.
-
- Tasteless sex acts.
-
- But tastes differ even within the tasteless kingdom. Some like a story of
- a little boy sitting on the throne shouting 'Me go plop-plop! Me go plop-plop!'
- whereas others favour the weeping spastic on the toilet, desperately struggling
- not to miss the bowl screaming 'Me go plop-plop! Me go plop-plop!'. The first
- is a simple example of pleasure in taking a dump (which is per definition
- tasteless - not to say forbidden: things you shouldn't talk about coming out a
- hole you shouldn't talk about making a sound you should discuss in every
- detail..er, sorry making a sound you shouldn't talk about). The second example
- brings more sophistication and delicacy into the sordid affair, and is thus
- labelled as being more 'mature', the name of the label apparently chosen because
- innocent children (or innocent adults, for that matter) will not find it funny,
- except perhaps the 'plop-plop!' bit. This difference in taste was debated a
- while ago and ended thus:
-
- > I'm confused. Could someone explain the concept of intelligent,
- > mature tastelessness.
-
- Original, non-monotonous material, either based on fact or vividly graphic
- or repulsive image provking, command of spelling and grammar to the level
- of comprehensible.
-
- Examples of !(not)tastelessness: boring fiction, recycled fraternity jokes,
- excessive pointless profanity, vanilla sex, elementary playground 'eww gross'
- urban legends, license plates, funny names, 90% of all flaming, "Because his
- dick tastes of blood", "Hearing the pelvic bone snap", "Oops, I farted", all the
- other short jokes, "Exploding Whale", "Scrotum self-repair" and "flaming gerbil
- up the ass", as well as some others. Post your own creations. And get the old
- stuff at our ftp site, and tire of it in the comfort of your own living room.
-
- Additionally, please note that this is not alt.tacky or alt.bad.taste. This
- means that merely saying 'Bee Gees, ha ha ha' is not enough, you will generally
- have to couple it with something really tasteless to make other people laugh.
- And yes, we have heard zillions of puke and huge bowel movement stories. But
- don't let that keep you from posting one, much rather this should raise your
- ambitions and thus the quality of your story.
-
- Then having sussed out that your post is too interesting, intelligent, sick,
- twisted and funny to be wasted in alt.tasteless.jokes, rec.humor, alt.evil,
- sci.med, alt.stupidity, alt.sex.bestiality, alt.urban.legend, soc.college and so
- on, you choose alt.tasteless and post. The group is unmoderated and the subject
- line of your article will be seen by approx. 140.000 people worldwide. WOW!
- What will happen next?
-
- 1. Some will ignore it.
- 2. Some will read part of it, then skip to the next article.
- 3. Some will read the whole thing.
- 4. Maybe one or more person(s) will reply to you telling you what they thought
- of the article. They might even follow it up if they have something to add.
-
- This is sadly the ideal picture. People will follow-up even though they have
- nothing to add, although you have to suffer from a severe case of tasteless
- talent and luck to ever experience case 4. Some very good tasteless posts have
- generated absolutely no response, or in other words the same response as you'd
- get if you wrote it on a piece of paper only to flush it out the toilet. Then
- why post?
- Because you fucking feel like it!
-
- Every now and then a dickless weasel constipated on his own religion or set
- of values will bother the noble freethinkers in a.t. with his standard 'This is
- not funny' drivel. Best thing is to ignore him, next to mailing him with the
- likewise standard reply 'Then why do you read it?'. A follow-up is not a good
- solution here, unless you choose to flame him to ashes in such an inspired way
- that the readers of alt.tasteless also benefits (and this is very very hard).
- YOU ARE THEN STRONGLY ENCOURAGED TO SET THE FOLLOW-UP TAG TO "Followup-To:
- alt.flame". After all, we have important work to do here. This formal
- information may make alt.tasteless seem like a terribly boring place, but
- all the stuff that has been recommended (not commanded!) thus far has been
- recommended in order to make the newsgroup (believe it or not) more chaotic,
- and not a boring newsgroup with 3 month cycles.
-
- It's our hope that you'll now feel WELCOME IN ALT.TASTELESS!
-
- Post quality. Encourage quality. Discourage crap.
-
- That's the simple secret to keeping alt.tasteless a living forum and community.
- We'd rather see 12 good posts in a year from your keyboard than 12 crap ones in
- a week. You'll even get more respect that way. Also, thank people for amusing
- you. That's the only payment they get. And don't be afraid to tell badly
- educated idiots to shape up. That's probably the only education they get, and
- if they can't take the heat, they don't belong.
-
- The rest of this document is dedicated to your education and amusement, but if
- you wish to perform chapter skipping/browsing, tell your editor to search for
- the character "|", and it'll take you to the next chapter. In the nn newsreader
- this can be done by pressing "/", "|" and "[ENTER]".
- The items on the menu are:
- O A boring dictionary.
- O An informative encyclopedia.
- O An amusing 'Answers to Frequently Asked Questions' part.
- O Some not all that amusing but still worthwhile information.
-
- THE ALT.TASTELESS PHRASE BOOK/DICTIONARY.
-
- This attempt is in no way complete, and aimed at people generally new to
- the net:
-
- :-) Tilt your head to the right. Yep, it's a cock about to penetrate. Figures
- like this one is used when people have just said something naughty, sort of
- a "Know what I mean know what I mean nudge nudge wink wink say no more say
- no more"
- *[word]*: Asteriks are used either for *emphasis*, or to indicate that it's a
- sound...like *plop* *plop* *plop* ("Buaah, I want to die because I'm
- a spastic").
- AKA: Also known as
- AMPALLANG: Piercing of the glans of the penis (the head). Runs horizontally
- above the urethra and has origins in Borneo.
- APADRAVYA: Vertical piercing through the glans, or sometimes through the shaft
- of the penis just behind the glans. Mentioned in the original Kama
- Sutra.
- ARCHIE: A database. News.answers is, as usual, helpful with a monthly posting.
- Another way to find out more is to mail archie@archie.funet.fi with the
- Subject: 'help'.
- ASAP: As soon as possible.
- BEARS: Person, usually male, whose physical characteristics tend toward the
- husky and hirsute.
- BTW: By the way
- CASCADE: Netnews' public chain letter. Add a line and feel proud.
- CHOAD: See somewhere below
- CHURD: A fecal dildo.
- DURIAN: Large oval tasty but foul-smelling fruit with a prickly rind. Comes from
- an East Indian tree, who shall remain nameless.
- DYDOE: Piercing through the ridge of the glans, usually done on the side of the
- head and often in pairs. This piercing was originally done by Jewish men
- who wished to enhance their sexual pleasure (which they thought had been
- diminished by circumcision).
- FECO-STALAGMITE: Euphemism denoting the majestic molehill of shit found nesting
- in the bowl of clogged toilets.
- FELCHING: Sucking cum out of an arsehole. Who/what the cum and arsehole belongs
- to is up to your imagination and health standards. If you have trouble
- reaching, use a straw. The Kakasutra will tell a bit more.
- FRENUM: Piercing through the skin of the penis, on the underside just behind the
- glans. Often a large ring that circles the penis under the ridge of the
- glans is worn through this piercing. This provides stimulation to both
- partners during intercourse and acts much like a cock ring.
- FTP: File Transfer Protocol. The program that makes it possible for you to get
- stuff stored at other sites, be it Gifviewers or demented stories.
- News.answers has a monthly posting about FTP'ing. You can also send mail to
- mail-server@rtfm.mit.with with the body of the message reading "help" or
- "send usenet/news.answers/finding-sources"
- GIF: Graphic Interchange Format. A picture format common on the net.
- news.answers has an informational posting on the alt.binaries.pictures
- groups where all is explained.
- GOPHER: A client that makes you browse the net with ease. Comp.infosystems.
- gopher will help you. Or just type 'gopher' at your prompt and see what
- happens.
- GUICHE: Piercing of the web of flesh that runs between the anus and the scrotum.
- A weight is often suspended from a guiche.
- GROGAN: A piece of shit.
- HAFADA: Piercing on the side of the scrotal sac originally done to Arab boys
- as a rite of passage.
- HAGGIS: Scottish delicacy made by filling a sheeps paunch with grinded
- intestines, barley and a shot of scotch.
- IMHO: In my hog-fucking opinion.
- IRC: Inter Relay Conference/Chat, a program that lets you 'talk' to other users.
- Your site might have it, type 'irc' and see what happens. You will might
- stumble into tasteless discussions. The 1st global alt.tasteless IRC party
- lasted for around 6 hours with a total of 67 participants.
- JIC: Just in case.
- JPEG or JPG: Another digital picture format. Like gif. News.answers and the
- groups in the alt.binaries.pictures hierarcy has monthly postings
- on the subject.
- KAKA SUTRA: Affectionate name for 'The Canonical List of Tasteless Sex Acts'.
- KILL FILE: A feature in most newsreaders. If you put a person in your kill file,
- your newsreader will ignore articles by that person. Read the man
- pages of your newsreader to find out how it works, or ask locally.
- After the introduction of kill files there's absolutely no excuse
- for wasting other peoples time with sour 4-line follow-ups.
- LJBF: "Let's just be friends". Sentence usually utterred by girl when offered a
- good squicking.
- MOTSS: Member of the same sex.
- OB: Usually a prefix to ObTasteless. Ob means 'obligatory', and you usually
- append an ObTasteless at the end of your post if it hasn't been sufficiently
- tasteless. Later in this article you can see how the Ob is used.
- OOBE: Out Of Body Experience. Something you experience during a very good shit.
- PRINCE AlBERT: Piercing that consists of a ring which goes through the urethra
- and out behind the glans.
- QUEEF: Pussy fart, vart, fanny fart.
- QUEEN KRISTINA: Piercing of the clitoris hood.
- REAMING: Getting fucked vigorously up the colon.
- RIMMING: Sphinchter licking.
- RTFM: Read the fucking manual. In alt.tasteless this will almost always be the
- alt.tasteless Kama Sutra (See Mailorder).
- SIC: 'Yes, though hard to believe, this is, in fact, an exact quote'.
- SO: Significant other, will generally mean your loved one.
- SQUICKING: See this post or 'Tasteless sex acts'.
- TWINK(IE): Generally, a cute young (male) thing (CYT). Known as "golden,
- cream-filled, and ready to be eaten." (Etymology: In the US,
- Twinkies(tm) are snack cakes with these same properties.)
- VOMIT-STALACTITE: aka Stalactovomite, the result of puking on the cieling.
- WRT: With reference/respect to.
- WAIS: Wide Area Information Server. Learn in comp.infosystems.wais
- WWW: World Wide Web. Net.wide global hypertext. Read comp.infosystems.www.
-
-
- | ENCYCLOPEDIA HORRIBLIUS
-
- ASSWIPING
- Most male alt.tastelessers wipe front to back with their right hand, usually
- sitting, leaning invitingly to the left. All look at the paper after the
- wipe and some taste it and kiss it.
-
- BUMPER-STICKER
- If you or your friends or your family (or the family next door) would like your
- very own official "Save the CHOAD!" bumper sticker for only 2$ a piece (very
- cheap), e-mail doc@mcs.com to get more details.
- In the words of The Maker: "Tasteless denizens everywhere can now identify
- themselves to other tasteless bastards!"
-
- CHOAD
- A long-neglected and abused synonym for "penis", the word "choad" dates back a
- good long time. We think maybe it's from Middle English but we're all too
- damned lazy to check the OED. Anyway, while kept barely alive during the '60's
- and '70's by underground comics, the word "choad" has recently enjoyed a
- resurrection and a re-erection on alt.tasteless. The tireless literary antics
- of David Garrett and Adam Thornton (garrett@math.rice.edu and adam@owlnet.rice.
- edu) have nearly succeeded in revamping the word, bringing it to its full turgid
- glory. It has been reported that Beavis and Butthead have been known to use the
- word "choad" and the more common compound noun "choadsmoker" to mean, roughly,
- "a gobbler of nobs." The next time you're about to casually toss off a reference
- to a "willy", a "wankie", a "dick", a "Throbbing PleasureProng (TM)", a "Purple-
- Headed SnotNazi (TM)", or a "schlong", think again, and substitute the word
- "choad" instead. Become a Friend of the Choad: make it possible for the choad
- to once again roam the vocabularies of the world, its head held proudly erect.
- A choadstool is then what we call the fungal growth found on an unwashed
- scrotum.
-
- CUNT
- A cunt by any other name, its smell as rank. Cunt is "Vittu" [v!too] in finnish,
- and "Pusquish" [pus squish] in Cree. The germans yell "Fotze" [fawt-tse] under
- normal circumstances, and "M0se" when they want to indicate that the cunt in
- question is slightly smaller, a little pinkier and more wet than the usual
- slobbering crotch wound.
-
- DOGS
- Are frequently rather tasteless. Apart from eating the fecal matter of almost
- any other mammal, they are also pretty keen on tampons, condoms and socks.
- It might be a profound wish for another tail that makes the dogs eat these
- objects that'll inevitable end up hanging out their puss-oozing and mite ridden
- asses. They're also familar with shitting and vomiting in the living room. The
- life of a canine is one long party.
-
- DRUGS
- A recommendation: Take all, and in as large quantities as possible.
- We especially recommend Dimethyl Sulfate. Not only does it randomly unwind and
- reform your DNA profile, it has also "been known to cause spontaneous cancerous
- lesions in rats". The official warning continues:
- "Extremely hazardous. No warning characteristics (e.g. odour, irritation).
- Delayed appearance of symptoms may permit unnoticed exposure to lethal
- quantities. Liquid produces severe blistering, necrosis of the skin... Vapours,
- after relatively asymptomatic latent period, cause severe inflammation and
- necrosis of the eyes, mouth, respiratory tract. Severe and fatal pulmonary
- damage may result. Systematically causes prostration, convulsions, delerium,
- paralysis, coma, delayed damage to kidneys, liver, heart with ensuing death in
- severe cases" - "have a big night on DMS and come home in a bucket"
-
- EXPLOSIVES
- We will of course help you getting disfigured enough for us to be amused, so
- here's what you do if you're too afraid to ask the alt.pyrotechnics experts how
- to make acetone peroxide or some other funny stuff:
- Get US Army Technical Manual 31-210 1969 "Improvised Munitions Handbook":
- The Improvised Munitions Handbook generally gets okay reviews; it
- contains a whole bunch of recipes for making explosives etc. out of handy
- chemicals. You can get it from several sources, gun shows, or for $5 from
- Sierra Supply.
- Sierra Supply, PO Box 1390 Durango, CO 81302 (303)-259-1822.
- Sierra sells a bunch of army surplus stuff, including technical
- manuals such as the Improvised Munitions Handbook.
- Sierra has a $10 minimum order + $4 postage. Catalog $1.
- I believe Paladin press also distribute this series and they will mail
- overseas.
- Other good sources are The Poor Mans James Bond, and The Anarchists Cookbook.
- They can be found in most large bookshops. Or ftp to ftp.spies.com
- /Library/Untech and get what they have.
-
- JOKES
- alt.tasteless.jokes is now taking care of all the short jokes. And rec.humor
- has the "Canonical List of [rude, mommy mommy, dead baby etc. etc.] jokes".
- Ask them. Or get them from our ftp site (details somewhere below).
-
- NAMBLA
- The North American Man/Boy Love Association is a civil rights/political
- organization. They support CONSENSUAL intergenerational relationships and help
- educate society about the true nature of such relationships. NAMBLA publishes a
- Bulletin ten times a year which is sent by first class mail to its members. (It
- includes news, feature articles, letters, book reviews, short stories, etc.)
- They also publish a literary Journal (literary gifted alt.tastelessers take
- note, this might be your way to fame), books and other material (all of which
- are strictly legal). For further discussions contact Roy Radow (roy@panix.com).
- He is their spokesperson on the net. For a packet containing a sample Bulletin,
- publications list and membership information send $1.00 postage to:
- NAMBLA Info, Dept.RR, PO Box 174, Midtown Station, NYC NY 10018.
-
- SHIT
- The brown color of feces is caused by stercobilin and urobilin, which are
- derivatives of bilirubin. Bilirubin, a main constituent of bile, is derived
- from breakdown products of dead red blood cells, specifically the toxic parts
- of the heme ring from hemoglobin molecules. That's why athletes on steroids
- have white shit: the steroids fuck up the liver so it can't throw the toxic
- stuff into the feces where it belongs.
- The odor is caused principally by the products of bacterial action; these vary
- from one person to another, depending on each person's colonic bacterial flora
- and on the type of food eaten. The actual odoriferous products include indole,
- skatole, mercaptans, and hydrogen sulfide. Eating lots of fat will give you
- the nastiest smelling shits if you make sure it doesn't stay in the colon for
- too long. A pound of pork chops followed by gin, a laxative or an enema is a
- sure winner among scatalogical connaisseurs.
-
- SMEGMA
- A cheesy, sebaceous secretion that forms between the foreskin and the glans of
- the penis of male mammals. Having smelt it few have the nerve to coat their
- tongue with it or swallow it. A shame really as this homegrown product easily
- outcompetes the flavours of all the cheeses made from milk (except the cheese
- made from dingo's milk).
-
- SOOTIKIN OR SUTIKIN
- A small, mouse-shaped deposit formed in the vaginal cleft, usually of poorer
- women who did not wear undergarments - common until the nineteenth century. A
- sootikin built up over several weeks, even months, of not washing. It was
- composed of particles of soot, dirt, sweat, smegma (qv) and vaginal and
- menstrual discharge. When it reached a certain size and weight, it tended to
- work loose and drop from under the woman's skirt. Contemporary writings,
- including those of Pepys and Boswell, mention men employed in London churches to
- sweep up sootikins after services. There even exists one scurrilous account,
- from an anonymous source, of a tell-tale sootikin being allegedly found under -
- or suspiciously close to - Queen Anne's chair in St Paul's Cathedral during the
- Thanksgiving Service for the end of the War of the Spanish Succession.
-
- SQUICKING (see also 'Tasteless Sex Acts')
- The practice one takes up when skull fucking becomes tedious.
- Skull fucking is the easiest of the two acts, as you only have to remove your
- partners eye to get somewhere to stick your thingy. A proper squicking requires
- you to trephine your partner (make a hole in your partners skull) and pork its
- brain this way. Aiming for the gap between the two hemispheres is said to
- provide you with firestorming orgasms. Geoff Miller comments: I posted that a
- year ago, and I *made it up!* I just figured that was the only activity that
- would make a "squicking" noise, with the possible exception of slipping the
- salami to a sucking chest wound. Mr. Miller himself prefers the basic squicking
- where the hole is located at the top of the head. Caza (a french comic artist)
- has this description accompaining a picture of prime squicking: 'The wound that
- never heals, the scar after the sacrificial act gaped rosy red and soft, shining
- and new...infinitely virginal ... Having bathed a whole world in blood,
- commander Aries defiled Lailahs brow with his spunk'. The name of the comic is
- 'Lailah' and it also has a good story about a man getting raped by a frog/woman.
- If you like Corben, this might be a comic for you. Scott M Hampton has also
- mentioned 'Woulffes Guide To Practical Squicking' as a fine introduction to
- squicking. It goes like this:
-
- Tools: A hammer and chisel, a quarter round wood rasp, a hand drill with
- at least a 3/8" metal cutting bit (not a spade drill, damn it), and a ink pen.
-
- Supplies: A partner, and suitable restraints. You may want some rags.
-
- Preperation: Tie partner (victim, partner, the difference is a subtle thing
- best left to linguists with free time. There's fun to be had now.) securely.
- Make certain the forehead is available and clean. Make a horizontal line
- about 2" above the eyebrows. Mark the center of the line between your
- partners eyebrows. Assemble tools, placing drill bit securely in chuck. Plug
- drill in. Get a beer, prepare yourself mentally. This is going to be great!
-
- Proceedure: Drill hole thru skull at mark on forehead. Using chisel and
- hammer, open the hole up to about 1/4" larger than your ManTool (TM Geoff).
- Then, use the rasp to knock off the rough spots -- no sense getting any
- scratches or scrapes on the ol Piston of Love. At this point you can pause and
- remove the restraints on your partner 'cause they aren't moving much by now.
- Position your partner for maximum comfort and pleasure -- no, you idiot --
- YOUR pleasure. Harumph.
-
- Now, slide your engorged PleasureSnake slowly between your partners frontal
- hemispheres. The involuntary twitches this produces are one of the most
- pleasant sensations known to man. Real men, that is. If you were a neatness
- weinie and wiped up all the external blood, it may take a while for the
- internal bleeding to make the ride smooth, but otherwise there is plenty
- of lube for the job right at hand. Pump hearty, you are in for the orgasm
- of a lifetime!
-
- Clean up: Dispose of partner in an environmentally sound way, such as roast
- and stew meat. Happy eating!
-
- The variations are of course endless. The guru in this field is Geoff Miller
- (geoffm@purplehaze.Corp.Sun.COM). But please do only contact him in expert
- matters concerning squicking, as he cannot spend time learning newbies vanilla
- squicking.
-
- Squick is also used as a synonyme for 'being pushed beyond ones limits'
- in alt.sex.bondage. Therefore you'll sometimes experience people using the word
- 'Squick' in posts completely devoid of any skull-fucking related activity
- (i.e.: 'That article really squicked me' or 'He squicked my arsehole')
-
-
- THE STOOL GAME
- (From 'Tasteless Sex Acts')
- case@diku.dk:
- THE STOOL GAME
- official rules
- Two men sit in front of each other in a bathtub wanking. When the spunk/
- water amount is 50:50, you start playing. Both put their feet on the sides
- of the bathtub, and try to push their stool as far out as they can,
- without losing it. It's extremely funny pushing it far out, then pulling it
- in again, and many experience a wonderful orgasm during this play.
- The winner is the man that can push the stool the most far out, and then
- still be able to retract it.
-
- One suggested variation is to trade a stool back and forth, the loser being the
- one to "drop" the stool. Not to be confused with the almost similar Wicca
- ritual.
-
-
- THE ALT.TASTELESS T-SHIRT
-
- The T-Shirts are Hanes Beefy, printed on both sides (a small
- alt.tasteless bit on the front, the Fuck the Skull of Jesus
- on the back (fnovhtu.tu-graz.ac.at /pub/tasteles/fuckthes.gif).
-
- The cost is US$ 16 each. This includes Richard B. Ling's prize
- money (for having designed this incredible shirt), A t-shirt for
- Stinkfoot (for amost having won the contest), taxes, and postage
- within the USA. 3 or more shirts cost $15 each.
- When ordering at caz@hopf.dnai.com (Glenn A. Cazenave),
- please specify the following:
-
- Size: Small through XXL is available. XXL is $2 extra.
-
- Colour: Black, white, grey, yellow, pink, light blue.
-
- We will need Postal Money Orders (only) as payment $16.00 (1-3) $15.00 (3+)
- that should include postage and 7.5% Ca.tax for orders within the US.
- Int'l Surface Mail is $1 extra. All orders prepaid. Postal Money Order only.
-
- sincerely,
-
- 2 on 1 Systems
- 301 Santa Fe Ave
- Point Richmond, CA 94801
-
-
- URINE
- Can just as shit be percieved by all 5 senses and the special 6th bodily fluid
- sense that the old time alt.tastelesser unavoidably develops, so I will not go
- into detail with the rancid bladdersplash itself. Rather the info will concern
- its sterility; can we safely drink it? Yes, we can.
-
- How ones body responds to this refreshment depends on a number of things,
- the most important being the concentration of waste products in this wine for
- gods. If you drink someones urine after they've had a sixpack, your kidneys
- will not be overworked with the extra waste products, but it may not then have
- the desired taste/smell/consistency. To help your kidneys you should always
- drink a lot of water after your pee games. You could for example follow the
- piss quaffing up with the drowning games (I for one, always tend to drink a lot
- of water during these).
-
- The berserkers (rough translation: The Bear Vests) were a happy tribe of
- vikings in Denmark around year 800 that had a habit of going berserk. My
- history book informs me that they used the alkaloid amanitin found in the
- mushroom Amanita. The trick was to boil the mushroom, let the strongest warrior
- drink the stuff, and have the other drink his piss, a trick also known among
- siberian, lappish and finnish tribes. The participants got moderately stoned
- and generally managed some transcendental experience. This practice is
- described as limited exclusively to men. The mushroom, Amanita Muscaria/Fly
- Agaric/Fluesvamp produces less nausea when it has been filtered in another
- humans body. Most people dismiss the idea that the mushroom was used to induce
- berserker rage, as the mushroom doesn't work that way. The prospect of killing,
- raping and mutilating other human beings should be sufficient. If you're going
- to eat mushrooms, drink piss etc., stick to the mushrooms with psilocybes in
- them. They are much more effective.
-
- The most famous peedrinker was good ol' Mahatma Gandhi. His mornings
- would start with him emptying his pottie in a good swig, allegedly for 'The
- health of the spirit'. Truly the sign of a great statesman. Prime Minister
- Morarji Desai followed in the piss trickle and drank piss each morning when he
- reigned (1977-1979). Lucky were the other leaders that had conversations with
- him on mornings where he had forgot to brush his teeth. No information as to the
- pee drinking habits of the current indian prime minister. Why drink pee then?
-
- The scientific explanation is that urine, and morning urine in particular,
- contains high amounts of melatonine, which is a hormone produced by the epiphyse
- during the night. Apart from having a soothing and painkilling effect
- melatonine also cheats the body into believing that it has slept more than it
- actually has. This manifests itself as a feeling of well-being and refreshment.
- The piss of sexually immature children contains more melatonine than adult piss,
- which explains the exhilaration one feels when lapping up infant piss. I have
- for one always been sure that the happiness wasn't just psychological. So Maybe
- you should spend more time as I: lurking in the bushes near the playground
- forcing the kids to piss in my smurf beer mug. You'll feel much better and much
- more equanimous. Cheers.
-
- Oh, and while we're at it. Don't eat asparagus before drinking your pee.
- Asparagus has an amino acid in it that makes your yellow drops smell horribly,
- as well as changing the taste. And don't drink piss from a person with a
- contagious disease unless you really want it. Speaking of that, Mitch Davis
- (cscmd@lux.latrobe.edu.au) is the current piss adviser of alt.tasteless. Ask
- him anything wee wee related you like, he'll be happy to help you.
-
- VEGEMITE
- -can be bought in some health stores and isn't really the canned stool
- sample that rumour claim it is. Here are some first hand experiences with the
- edible caca: "I too have had vegemite. I found a stock in a "health food"
- store. US$ 2.69 for a 4 ounce (113 gram) jar. "5 calories per serving". It
- has an odd, purply-brown color, and a smooth, thick, sticky texture. The
- "axle-grease" association is accurate. It does indeed have quite a strong
- salty, yeasty flavor, and you had better spread it on _very_ thinly. I think it
- looks like a substance from my native land called "catfish dough bait", only
- said bait is a bit grainier, not as creamy. Catfish dough bait has a thick,
- liverish, bloody odor to it, and appeared to be a compound of mud, blood and
- pureed liver. On a hot day, opening the tub of dough bait and inhaling deeply
- could give you vertigo and motion sickness. I find it hard to believe that
- "marmite" has a stronger, more vicious taste than vegemite. "Vegemite" has a
- pretty vicious aftertaste, and because of the yeast extract, it tends to come
- back to you later, in belches. It's also one of those foods with such a
- peculiar taste that no matter what you eat after- wards, vegemite is the taste
- that sticks with you."
-
- "It is very strong, try a little, then impress your friends with what looks
- like eating slabs of bread wiped in black excrement."
-
- "Well, as a New Zealander, I can truthfully say that Marmite is the
- only real yeast extract worth eating. Vegemite is for wimps, while
- Marmite is for real men. It has a much stronger, more vicious
- aftertaste than Vegemite."
-
- "It was the grossest thing I ever tasted. It's about as thick as peanut
- butter, and to say it tastes like shit would be an understatement."
-
- INGREDIENTS:
- Yeast extract (comes from the grunge that is left over after the beer brewing
- process), sea salt, potassium chloride, malt extract, caramel color,
- natural flavor, niacin, thiamine hydorchloride, riboflavin.
-
- Serving size: 3.25 gram
- Servings per container: 35 (big lie: I ate about a third of the container,
- and it was well over 100 servings)
- Cheese and vegemite sandwiches are so common in Australia that the manufacturer
- (Kraft) now sells premixed cheese&vegemite slices (they are a greyish colour,
- and very nice between buttered white bread, possibly with some lettuce)
-
- ObTrivia: Vegemite was invented after Marmite, and for a short time
- was called Parwill (get the pun? Mar mite, Par will. Ho ho!).
- "Vegemite" was the result of a renaming contest in the 30s(?).
- Let it also be known that Vegemite is available in 99% of Australian
- shops that stock spreads. IE, if the shop has jam, honey or peanut
- butter, then it almost certainly has vegemite as well.
-
- YEAST
- Is not that interesting in itself. But vaginal yeast infections are a riot.
- The infection occurs when the usual healthy balance between the yeast and the
- bacteria in the vagina disappears. Taking antibiotics can alter this balance.
- The treatment is to gulp down Lactobacillus acidophillus (yogurt culture) and
- shove it up your cunt. The idea of 'tank war' (a fine stripper act) might have
- started when a group of yeast infected women could think of nothing better than
- to walk like crabs, and using their vaginal muscles, shoot the yogurt at each
- other.
- Men too can get yeast infections on the counterproductive organ, especially if
- he has a good sized foreskin. Yeast infections love these nobby hide-outs. It's
- warm, it's moist, and there's a lot of smegma to thrive on. Yeast infections
- usually shows up after some days of hefty wanking and dubious hygiene as a
- reddish raddish. If you're not a spoil sport and start washing the glans with
- hospital soap, you can watch as the rash turns into little red sores that'll
- itch more and more. Before good soap was invented the cure was to hold the
- foreskin closed when pissing until it was bloated with piss as a frogs airbag is
- bloated with air, then let fly all over yourself and the toilet. Stuff in the
- urine should then clean out the yeast. Male yeast infections: For the biggest
- effect do the Macbeth routine and wash your nob hysterically so it's gets
- completely dried out and itchy for some time, until the body responds and
- produces vast amounts of smegma to get the balance right again. This is good,
- but if you relentlessly roll the foreskin back and forth while you fondle the
- back of your testicles with your left hand, some sticky stuff will suddendly
- come out. Smear this on the sore covered nob, and repeat until all skin has
- been peeled of the raddish.
-
-
- | ANSWERS TO FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS/USEFUL INFORMATION:
-
- 1. My site doesn't carry alt.tasteless/alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless,
- what can I do about it?
-
- Best bet: Grovel at the feet of your news admin.
- If that doesn't work you'll have to read it/post to it from another site.
- You're smart enough to suss out how to do it yourself. Because you know
- that news.answer holds the answer in one of its postings. Namely the one
- called "How to Receive Banned Newsgroups FAQ" by Joseph Gebis
- (j-gebis@uiuc.edu http://www.cen.uiuc.edu/~jg11772/home.html)
-
-
-
- 2. Archives?
-
- a.t. isn't fully archived, but some of the best articles of the year are
- stored at The Official Alt.tasteless ftp-site:
-
- fnovhtu.tu-graz.ac.at /pub/tasteles (numerical: 129.27.203.150)
- ftp wil drop you off in /pub, so all you have to do is to cd tasteless.
- If you have anything wortwhile to add, you can drop it off in /pub/incoming.
- Remember to mail david@htu.tu-graz.ac.at about it.
- Other communication should be directed to stool@fnovhtu.tu-graz.ac.at.
-
- What's on it?
-
- Filename Length Description
-
- arch_91.zip 86420 Best of A.T 1991
- arch_92.zip 259634 Best of A.T 1992
- arch_93.zip 343073 Best of A.T 1993
- intro.zip 46565 A.T FAQ, 1994 A.T Survey
- ircparty.zip 120410 Logfiles of A.T IRC parties 1992, 93, 94
-
- The following two are really important:
-
- tast-faq 46035 The alt.tasteless Frequently Asked Questions
- File. Newbies ought to learn this by heart
- before posting.
-
- taste.law 1970 Weekly FAQ. Read this!
-
- Then there's the standard files:
-
- standard.zip 75709 Alt.Tasteless.Jokes joke collection [Sheesh
- do these kids need to learn spelling], band
- names, Joy of Vomit, Shitlist, Mr. Ed's
- story, Nevyn's story, a.t. Songs, bodily
- functions survey.
-
- standar2.zip 69457 WIRED's article on alt.tasteless, buttplug
- info, choad info, fisting info, scrotum self
- repair, the Kakasutra, King Shit postings.
-
- There's also a good number of pictures. There's an ongoing battle with censors
- at our site, and therefore I'm not sure of what you'll be able to download
- when you connect. But this should be a fairly sure bet:
-
- crap.jpg: "Mainlining". A woman shitting down a guys mouth. HB2a.GIF AND HB6.GIF.
- bumper.gif: The "Save the choad" a.t. bumper sticker.
- legstump.jpg: An attractive (i.e. old, fat) lady missing a bit in the leg department.
- hosedout.jpg: An impressive anal squirt by two former cub scouts.
- ick11.jpg: The balls of the elephant man.
- protein.jpg: A full figured lady getting even more protein.
- herm_a?.jpg: Man or woman? Priest or businessman?
- mcafee.gif: The awe inspiring colonic might of Sean McAfee, a.t. hero.
- octpussy.jpg: Wierd - and arousing - piercing in the cunt lips.
- shock.jpg: Giving head.
- split.gif: A split penis.
- bobbit?.jpg: Two stills from the trial.
- no_hands.jpg: A kid who just could keep away from the cookie jar.
- girl.jpg: 17 year old rape victim after a maggot facial peeling.
- acaljpeg.zip: A Calendar of an old bitch dying. She's not amused.
- pigfuck.jpg: The naughty farmer licks his pig in the arse.
- 28cat-0?.jpg: Bestiality catalogue.
- dcum.jpg: A stylish 70's dog cock suck.
-
- Makes your mouth water, doesn't it? There might be more or less pics
- depending on the status of the tug-o-war between the noble freethinkers
- and tiny penised narrowminded censors with small brains and small shoes.
- This has of course not stopped us from making tasty advertisements that
- we encourage you to download and spread as far as you can. The relevant
- file is called htu_pics.zip.
-
- Other sources for AT lit are: ftp.spies.com /Library/Fringe/Gross, but
- frankly, it sucks. /Library/Untech is probably more appealing.
- Good tasteless comedy is available from cathouse.org /pub/cathouse/
- Look for "Bottom" and "Derek&Clive".
- You'll also be able to find the exploding whale news story in .AVI
- format there as: /pub/cathouse/urban.legends/gif/whale.avi
- and there are even some posts by Bob Christ inappropriately misplaced
- under /humor.
-
-
- 3. Sources?
-
- John Nash (jnash@nyx10.cs.du.edu) collects pointers to tasteless WWW home
- pages (comp.infosystems.www will tell you what that is). Make use of his service,
- and expand it, you cunt.
- http://nyx10.cs.du.edu:8001/~jnash/alt.tasteless.html
- Details in his monthly posting on the subject: "Alt.tasteless WWW FAQ".
-
- Rocqueforte "Rocky" O'Leary (roleary@st.nepean.uws.edu.au) does the same thing at
- http://www.st.nepean.uws.edu.au/~roleary/tasteless.html
-
- You are hereby also strongly recommended Grumpy the Dwarfs (IVANOFF@gateway.atd.cra.
- com.au) "Alt.tasteless Who is Who?", a monthly posting including tips on how to
- deal with idiot posters, and the alt.tasteless hall of fame, the Who's Who.
-
- You can get the Roadkill Calendar by sending 7$ to
- and the "Penises of the Animal Kingdom" poster is 11$ from:
- Jeanie M
- Box 52 Scientific Novelty Co
- Valhalla, NY 10595 Post Office Box 673 Archie McPhee
- Bloomington, IN 47402 Outfitters of Popular Culture
- (812) 331-8744. P.O. Box 30852
- Seattle, WA 98103 USA
- (206) 782-2344
- should also be able to deliver
- a good number of tasteless things (blow up mosquitoes and the like).
-
-
- 4. Flames?
-
- Tedious, aren't they? Some can elevate it to an art (alt.flame/talk.bizarre
- 91 and 92, alt.peeves 93 and 94). If you can too, flame away.
-
- 5. Newsgroup Invasions.
-
- Freaking out normal people with our hideousness has a long tradition in
- alt.tasteless. The first recorded a.t. NI was Rauli Lauhanens one-man invasion of
- talk.abortion, talk.rape and soc.motts. Dec 13th 1991 he told alt.tasteless that
- he was about to invade the faggot/lesbian/religious fundamentalist groups using
- his new account. On Dec 17th he posted a series of highly offensive rants/stories
- the first being:
-
- From: cunt@cc.tut.fi (Lauhanen Rauli)
- Newsgroups: talk.abortion,talk.rape,soc.motss,alt.tasteless
- Subject: Re: Homosexuality and Rape
- Summary: Also women have the right to be raped !
-
- They all got cancelled, and he lost the account (temporarily).
-
- Rec.pets.cats was first targetted as a deserving havoc spot in Mar 93, and
- war was declared. On the front line we found
-
- From: markp@noncomf.tdkcs.waterloo.on.ca (Mark A. Pitcher)
- Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
- Subject: WAR PROGRESS REPORT: A.T. vs R.P.C.
-
- But the hardest (and most publicised) battle was that in september instigated by
- Adam Steele (adam@cs.concordia.ca), with Trashcan Man (tobio@panix.com) doing the
- hardest work, and losing his student account in the process. Read all about it on
- his home page http://www.cc.columbia.edu/~ct22/index.html. Or gopher to wired.com
- for /2.05/Features/The War Between rec.pets.cats and a.t. Or get the std_pack from
- the ftp-site.
-
- Before embarking on a NI consider if it'll be fun enough to be worthwhile. Usually
- it won't.
-
- Actually AT is invaded from time to time by clueless newbies, some being
- professional clueless newbies who take pleasure in pushing the buttons that
- starts stupid, tiring flamewars with the same old tired nominally tasteless
- imagery. If you want to punish them, do it silently somewhere where you won't
- look like a fool.
-
-
- 6. What is this shit eating picture, that everybody keeps referring to?
-
- Probably hb2a.gif or hb6.gif, the most common names for two pictures of a
- woman pinching a loaf into the mouth of a man. It's sort of an alt.tasteless
- idol, and it appears under many names. Personally I've glued the two together
- and called it crap.jpg. But they're quite good, actually. Ftp-site.
-
-
- 7. Aren't you all a bunch of 15 year old wankers?
-
- A 1992 survey fixed the average a.t subscribers age at 27 years and a
- 1993 survey fixed the average weight at 200 pounds (but that's an altogether
- different matter). A 1994 survey then corrected the average age to 27.53 years, and
- the average weight to 184.8 pounds. 89.4% considered themselves male. All were
- wankers, and 92.1% admits to having beaten off in a public place. Ftp-site: intro.zip
-
-
- 8. Tasteless Secret Santa?
-
- "The Tasteless Secret Santa Gift exchange" is a cosy seasonal activity
- conducted by the motherly Pamela Beth Ryba (Pamelush to friends - pryba@wpi.edu
- to your mail program). It's about sharing tastelessness across geographic and
- governmental borders, and involves you sending a package to someone in a furrin
- land. The 1993 exchange was a great success and included nearly eighty people
- all over the world. Pam already has a long list of people signed up for next
- year, and refers to the project as an AT institution. Write her if you'd like to
- join, or just want to get some cheap and tawdry email sex.
-
-
- 9. Awards? I've heard something about awards being given out, and of people
- struggling to be Mr. Alt.Tasteless.
-
- That is the case. Every year we try to decide who to honour for their
- efforts in the group. During the year you're encouraged to save nominations
- grouped in the following categories:
-
- 1. fiction
- 2. non-fiction
- 3. quote
- 4. flame [i.e. too long to be just a quote]
- 5. concepts [e.g. Mr. Lings fetal cookbook]
- 6. ordinary life [e.g. Jack in the box]
- 7. gif-image [from alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless]
-
- Then, near election time someone, perhaps Mike Weber (do261@cleveland.freenet.edu),
- will step forward and ask for your nominations.
-
-
- 10. Is there an a.t masonic style greeting?
-
- Yup. Pretend to wipe your ass, then give the fellow your hand. The call
- for distress is "Will nobody help the widows son fuck his dead father!?". This
- will usually give you all the help you want.
- The tough guys greet each other by both blowing their noses onto their
- hands, then shake with them, with the collective snots being squished out around
- the edges. After separation, the licking of the hand is optional. Only known to
- be in use in Australia.
-
-
- 11. I want to become an alt.tastelesser? How?
-
- Posess, use and flaunt: A sick sense of humour.
-
- Optional:
-
- Get: As much as you can from the ftp-site.
-
-
- 12. I'd like to have an academically waterproof excuse for reading a.t.
-
- Don't worry, alt.tasteless will soon cater to your needs. Watch FAQ diffs.
-
-
- | OTHER DOCUMENTS WORTH A LOOK:
- (all to be found in news.answers as monthly postings...perhaps)
-
- Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,news.answers
- Subject: Welcome to talk.bizarre! (Monthly Posting)
- Summary:
- o Before posting, read the group for a couple of months. Get to
- know who is posting and what kind of things are considered funny.
-
- o Ask yourself why you want to post. Is it to impress us all with
- what a red-hot, hip individual you are? If so, you may want to
- consider moving to another group.
-
- | o Remember that about 90% of the stuff on this group is
- crap, and if your article is not in the top 10% then it is
- probably crap as well. If you are still convinced that the
- majority of readers on the group will enjoy your dry and subtle
- wit, then post.
-
- Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
- Subject: Answers to Frequently Asked Questions
- Summary: Shit ==
- Contentless "me too" or "I agree" postings (should have used email).
- Posts with many lines of attribution and a single word or line added
- agreeing or disagreeing. [like cascades]
-
- Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
- Subject: A Primer on How to Work With the Usenet Community
- Summary: of Things to Remember
- Never forget that the person on the other side is human
- Don't blame system admins for their users' behavior
- Be careful what you say about others
- Be brief
- Your postings reflect upon you; be proud of them
- Use descriptive titles
- Think about your audience
- Only post a message once
- Summarize what you are following up
- | Use mail, don't post a follow-up
- Read all follow-ups and don't repeat what has already been said
- Double-check follow-up newsgroups and distributions.
- Be careful about copyrights and licenses
- Cite appropriate references
- When summarizing, summarize
- Spelling flames considered harmful
- Don't overdo signatures
- Limit line length and avoid control characters
-
- Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
- Subject: Hints on writing style for Usenet
- Summary:
- * Subject lines should be used very carefully. How much time have you
- wasted reading articles with a misleading subject line? The "Subject:"
- header line can be edited in all the various posting programs
- (as can the "Distribution:", "Newsgroups:" and "Followup-To:" header
- lines).
-
- * Remember - this is an international network.
-
- * Remember - your current or future employers may be reading your
- articles. So might your spouse, neighbors, children, and others
- who will long-remember your gaffes.
-
- Well then, end of FAQ, but as this is alt.tasteless and you have bothered to
- read all the way, you are hereby rewarded with a good tasteless post:
-
- I blew my first "awake" wad when I was 13, when I was playing "doctor" with
- some 8-year old chick I was babysitting (which is why this post is
- anonymous, by the way). I didn't really know what I was doing, but I was
- pretty sure I couldn't hide the salami in her tight crack (I didn't know
- about the existence of a hymen, so I was afraid to jam the thing in there
- in fear that it might hurt her - which it would have, but not as badly as I
- had imagined). So, I was just sort of rubbing my cock between her cheeks,
- and up against her mound. I then thought I had to piss, so I thought it
- would be cool to piss on her a little. Imagine my surprise when I thought
- I was about to pee, but then felt the familiar orgasm (usually I woke up
- right after my wet dreams, so I knew how an orgasm felt), and looked down
- to see her butthole and cunt covered with spooge.
-
- Pierre Ketteridge we love you.
-
- T H E C H U R C H O F D I V I N E T A S T E L E S S N E S S
-